its 5.30pm on a Tuesday night and I am tired. The days long and working whilst hasnt been "hard" its just been busy. I'm not looking forward to getting home and have the kids jump all over me and hear the little ones (4 and 2) fighting. Then theres dinner to be cooked, taking the older boys to sports, bath the kids and then tidy things up before I leave to go to a photo shoot for which I am grateful for just to get out of the house and do something creative and not work related............
Pass one accident, oh man, pass a second accident and cite the fact that it looks bad really bad. Its a crossing that is notorious. A place where lives are lost when the sounds of train bells and red lights flash loudly and given its dark the lights glare from a distance. I ring all my family as its a crossing where we cross at least five times a day at about 5. Everyones ok....... breath
So I'm at the hospital and the mama who I am doing the photo shoot looking sore but in good spirits. Babys fine but mamas got a few things going on so may be induced at 37 weeks and again mama is in good spirits because baby is strong and healthy. The medical picture changes though if mama is made to laugh... I have to leave........ having a photographer make you smile isnt quiet what the midwife ordered. So not able to take any shots but thats ok, we'll ty again tomorrow arvo.
I talk to her about photographing the birth. Umm she says not sure about "that". I provide her with a little more assurance.... Its ok I wasnt thinking about taking photos of that and instead tell her this..... about this moment...........
its that moment, when you head is spinning and the pain is immesureable and the room becomes crowded. The pain is sitting in your lower back and no matter what movement or position you make there is no place that your body finds rest. Your hot and nauseated and voices are so mumbled that you can make no sense of what is going on. Your chin rests into your chest and rises and falls with each breathe you take in trying to draw on what little strength you have. Your brow is furrowed, eyes closed and you turn your head to one side. And for a moment clarifty returns and the face beside you becomes clear and a voice whsipers into your heart, its ok honey you can do this, i love you....... and you feel there hand in yours and in the intimacy of the moment your heads press together as to draw the strength you need to get through this.
"click"
Those are the moments I tell her I try to capture....... not random shots of birth but the moments where as a women and as a family a moment is defined... I sinking, I havent had any maori families agree to this so far and really want one.... bugga but it was worth a try... she shifts in her bed. "ok" she says........ her mother sitting beside her smiles and replies "ae, pai tou mahi" (yes, your work/ words to my daughter were good). I make some sort of comment... she laughs.... ow dont do that!! mIDWIFE MIGHT NOT LET ME BACK AT ALL
walking thru the corridoors of the maternity suite I remember a part of me that I had foRgotten, i see myself as a young girl waddling through the halls and smile... kinda like a cold case moment :(..... and am glad to be here and glad also that I am not on my back!!
I leave feeling elated. It feels like a small break through and the awaiting nanna and i go to mcdonalds and joke. The drive home goes by quickly as I think though the shoot andthinking about the whanau. Get home about 11 and am told that the accident killed a young sister and brother known that we know well... he tells me who it is and I'm thrown.. its a young girl that i worked alot with and saw a lot of and who is/ was a bright, outgoing, loved life, cars, parties and despite those "rough" teenage years that we all go through had "heart"............ I'm gonna miss you Keely girl, you sucked at netball but man could you play rugby.....
then I think of her mum... her children now gone every parents nightmare..... i remember how my grandmother started to become weaker when her children died and yet she was 88 and they were in the 50s and 60s... given I lived with her I could see her eyes dim with each year when she lost 3 adult children in 18 months and then share she would share with me what it was like to lose 4 babies aged between 3 and 6 months when she was first married.... i didnt get it then as I had none of my own... but i get it now
see the evening started with me frustrated with my children and now life has perspective........ its granted to us every so often through the lifes of others and when it comes i stop, literally in my track if only but a moment to remember all that I have to be grateful for....................
so today, Wednesday and I am attending a funeral and possibly a birth.................
