that making any new years resolution for me would last all of 3 days, tops. My sense of will at this time is almost a non topic so this year I resolved not to make any resolutions. And it worked I might add. Who have I disappointed? so that in effect is a great start!!! One of the things I did choose to go with though is finding a word. Yip doing that Ali Edwards thing where you choose a word and I've decided to start a album with 12 pages for each month and for each month one word. For 2008 January my word, hope. Its what I have been hanging on to for a couple weeks now over a number of things but ultimately it seems to be where I'm at and given its a new year its as good as any! Let me explain...................
2007 was one hell of a year mainly because I learnt so much about myself. I learnt that work wise I was capable of much more than I expected of myself and yet hoped I was capable of, I learnt that inside I'm stronger than I knew, I learnt that I have one hell of a "self preservation" mode, that life finds its own balance sometimes without my permission and that I am tired of being strong. It sounds contradictry to some degree but I guess that because the defintion lies in the detail and I'm yet to deal with that yet.
So what spurred such learnings? Well I'm pleased to say this didnt come to me via empty bottles of vodka (this has happened in previous years LOL) but instead a hell of a lot of reflection done through the year and more so in the last few months of 2007 but it happens when last year I took the time to stand still. To stand still beneath a starlit night, to sit on the beach with a low moon that reflects across the open ocean, as this is where I would go to "breath" Sometimes it was to be able to count my blessing and know that life was good and sometimes it was to be able to question my own logic around things such as work, relationships and just plain boring me! And it worked I might add and so life changed and I breathed my way through it.
There have been some major changes in my life and having recently seperated from my husband puts some of the above in perspective. My decision to end a 15year relationship was and excuse the french "friken hard", accepting that my 4 children are going to be staying with their dad "fn harder", making the decision to leave my hometown in the next couple/ few months , enviatable (yes me spelling is terrible!!!) These small sentences do no justice to the reality of the situation, nor the emotion or words that have past! But for now it is what I am dealing with and it comes at a cost all be it short term. Fortunately life provided my with strength in the form of friends who had been in these situations, who offered me experience, not advice. The difference, that i was able to take there experience and decide for myself what that meant and how it applied to me. Experience of friends who were "the partner that left", "the partner who was left" and more importantly experience as a "child/ family" of seperated parents. This strength has seen me through this time and which I am ever thank ful for and still thankful for. My family to have been amazing and living with my parents at the moment is an eye opener and again am grateful that a) I still have my parents and b) that it has defined how I have seen adult child/ adult parent relationship. Now that I'm here I have just relaised my parents are getting old. In my head they are the same parents I had at high school some 15 years ago and this is not the case. But again being at home with them has brought some much needed rest and the fact that when I drop my washing in a basket it comes back washed and folded, that when I get back from work or from roaming theres a meal for me, all the time is much appreciated and am thankful for. They were disappointed and cried for there mokopuna but with time comes understanding and in there silence speaks to me in a thousand ways.
And then theres our tamariki.................... and this is where I lose my breath again............... i am amazed by them everyday and of late this has amplified. Explaining the separation to them was hard, telling them the truth was hard and at the time thought I it would be the hardest thing to do, but it wasnt. the hardest part now is the everyday saying goodbye, the hardest part is when they are with me and then come the night they want "us" to go home together and I have to explain to her (yes espeically my 5 year old girl) that mummys doesnt live there anymore. And this is what breaks me as a mother and as a woman...........
There is more, more that find me writing in my diary each and every night. As a child I made this pact with myself in hospital never to cry again. It was a mad pact, but something up to recently I had only broken a couple of times. But for recently I have cried another 3 times since. My release however has always come in the form of writing, here I have filled a thousand oceans, not of tears but of words. And so I write in my diary each and every night the whisper of my heart and sometimes the torment in my mind and in putting it down I can let it go. Not the kinda of go that leaves you completely but the kind that gives you a moment of relief so that when I catch my breath again I can go back, reflect, learn and with hope move forward. When I write I have this "funny" thing that I do. I write with a person in mind and in doing so it "scopes" the langage I use and the way in which I write about something. For example the letters/ writing to my 10 year old son are very different to the letters I have written to a friend but they tocuh on the same events (give or take) and this seems to work for me. every year I write each of my children a letter and of course this years one was different. I have yet to give them/ or read it to them in case of my babies but I think soon. I think it is because it sstill remains unwritten but I guess I will know for now we sit and we talk. In this as parents we have made sure that we have left the lines of communication open to our hildren so that at any time they can ask us questions, so that we can be honest with them especially our 10 and 9 year old as there needs are different. But wow can they ask some pretty direct questions and again finding the words to explain oneself as an adult, wow testing, but good because infront of me I know I am respsonible for how they will take this time and internalise it for there own future as young men and adults......... i know it sounds all a bit much but it makes sense to me somehow and I'm probably not doing it any justice the way I explain it!!
But as before mentioned, there is hope and this is a "for now" situation. I know that making a decision like that some immediate consequences so it is forward that I look as there are some other things in life as there is to look forward to. So I am trying to keep my head up and concentrate on these, surround myself with good people and stay away from alcohol so I dont make dumb decisions (ive been prone to do that in the past to haha).
So scrapbooking wise, I'm back in the game. All this wiritng has seen my put together a version of my thoughts on paper and create a few albums in my mind. Have some layouts to shar as well but will load those later. Had a great time at bookem last night with Yolande and Eileen so always good to catch up with those 2!!
So yes there is more but for now I'm heading to Whakatane to a tocuh tourney and watch a magnificent display of health maori bodies and some mean ta moko!!
